How I build an anti-diet home culture
Here's my not-so-perfect weight inclusive tools collected after 17 years of parenting
Navigating motherhood as an anti-diet dietitian trained as a therapist has perks. I started unpacking diet industry impact before starting a family. I learned non-diet language and media literacy. I witnessed pain and despair sitting across from folks in the throes of an eating disorder and/or our anti-fat society. As clients unfolded their complicated history with food, I took mental notes of the nuances pushing them away from their food voice.
I want everyone to connect to their innate food voice including my children. I used all those mental notes aiming to create an anti-diet home culture. My oldest child just turned 17 «gasp». This essay serves to capture the tips and strategies I used to *hopefully* contribute to raising two anti-diet culture kids.
Disclaimer:
I am no where near perfect and make mistakes even in the area of food and body talk. I hope you know as I wrote this piece I remembered where I messed up big time. As I felt the shame bubble rise to the surface, I reassured myself that I don’t need to be perfect. I say the same to you when you connect with what you wish you did differently: our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They need our unconditional love and that often looks like repair when we make mistakes in our parenting. Don’t let yourself sit in that shame—it belongs to our broken systems.
Those close to me probably thought I was too rigid with what I wrote about below especially when my kids were young. Something I know to be true: we all are rigid when starting something new. I have compassion and grace for that Julie.
Another disclaimer—I appreciate my lived experiences don’t always match up with those who read my work. I am thin, white, and with educational and financial privilege. I aim to build a better world where all bodies are safe and valued yet appreciate I benefit (so do my children) from white supremacy.
Last disclaimer—this essay is LONG. You won’t be able to read it all in your email so click through to get more. I actually thought I would include food, body talk, and home design in one essay. Jokes on me because Substack cut me off. Part two coming soon! This essay focuses all on food.
My parenting values
I prioritize three values impacting how I parent and practice as a clinician. I tell you up front because these values influenced how I developed these anti-diet home culture home ideals. I appreciate your values may not match mine. My top 3 values are:
body autonomy
lifelong healthy relationships with food and body for my children which impacts how they interact in the world
interdependence (within family, community, and worldwide) over independence
These 3 values inform my belief that food is indeed political.
How I talk about food
We move through our early years learning about life through our primary caregivers. Most of us experienced these formidable years through the eyes of the diet industry. Health messaging and diet trends dictate how we learn about food with good/bad lists—or what I refer to in Find Your Food Voice as I-Should-Eat scripts.
I aim to provide something different for my children. I can’t control every variable especially outside the home but I provide anti-diet culture space where I can. I want my children to experience a relationship with food where their food voice is valued, clear, and unobstructed.
When I was pregnant 18 years ago, I knew I needed to actively create an anti-diet industry home. I vowed to provide an environment where food descriptions were neutral or positive only. Food descriptions intended to describe without judgment including:
yummy
crunchy
salty
sweet
spicy
bubbly
smooth
energizing
hot or cold
stringy
I never included these diet industry coded descriptions because they promote a right/wrong dichotomy:
healthy or unhealthy
good or bad
red light or green light
everyday or sometimes foods
Toddler/young child years:
I served foods with equal gusto or disdain (I am a lousy cook so I can’t say I am a peach during meal times). I offered vegetables, popsicles, spaghetti, French fries, chicken breast, eggs, and doughnuts with the same simple offering typically family style. When a food was rejected by a child, there was no more push from me to eat it. When enjoyed, there was the same smile or nodding in acknowledgement (based on my mood). There was no minimum required consumption for each food—no thank you bite requirement. No meant no. (See how this ties into body autonomy?)
Tween/teen years:
I sometimes add on this statement with a new food offering or recipe: “I would love your opinion on this food. No worries if you don’t like it, I am just curious your opinion and wonder if I should make it again.”
How I intervene with food language
We are entitled to our individual taste preferences yet I think it is important to consider where those preferences come from. Most of the time, young people like certain foods because of the familiarity with sights, smells, and textures. As we get older, our temperaments pull us down different avenues—enjoying food routines or craving adventure. No matter which way we go, I hope we always respect another’s food choices. We show respect by not yucking each other’s yum.
When my kids reacted with Yuck! Gross! or Disgusting! I took that as opportunity to explain the personal and cultural importance of food respect. I would say this in response: “In our family, we don’t refer to food in that way. You don’t have to like it. Please say no thank you instead.” Depending on my bandwidth and their attention span I would sometimes tack on teaching points like:
No one food is better than another.
All food gives us energy.
Sometimes a person can choose what they want and sometimes a person cannot.
All food deserves respect even when its unfamiliar to us.
Toddler/young child years:
Even though I usually didn’t have the energy to try new recipes from other cultures, I wanted my kids to be exposed to as many different foods as possible. I often added library books to the pile that included cultural foods from outside my Polish and Irish heritage. Whenever I had the chance to pick up a prepared dish from another culture, I would serve it as a part of a meal.
Tween/teen years:
The yuck/yum conversation helped bridge the conversations to explain why valuing interdependence means we don’t make fun of a schoolmate’s lunch. Food teasing/bullying happens everyday in school lunch rooms. I wanted my kids to be a safe friend for those with different food choices—whether from different cultures or because of food insecurity. When my children' intervened when witnessing food choice bullying, I was exceptionally proud.
How I teach healthy eating to my children
We have amazing books on this topic—Born to eat and How to raise an intuitive eater are a few. I define healthy eating as eating enough food with variety without guilt or shame. Healthy eating needs financial and food security so if you do not have access I know you are doing the best you can. Your food voice includes compassion when oppressive systems like poverty block access.
Many people I speak with want their kids to eat fruits and vegetables with plenty of protein. Parents tell me concerns about their kid’s obsession with sugar and carbs. Do you agree? Do you want your kids to eat lots of fruits, veggies, and protein and not be obsessed with sugar?
If you agree then I encourage you to keep something in mind:
if you want your child to eat more fruits, vegetables, and protein TODAY then make them eat that in whatever way you can manage. There’s a big chance they will hoard food, feel ashamed of their cravings, and learn a new way to distrust their body.
if you want your child to be an ADULT eating a variety of foods including fruits, vegetables, and proteins then do not force it. Let your child lead in how much they eat if at all. Experiment with the division on food responsibility instead.
Ellyn Satter created the division of food responsibility (DOR) as a way to help caregivers set up food times with less struggle. As a new parent, I was a DOR zealot. Over the years, I unraveled my approach to suit me and my family. I encourage you to do what fits for you and your family. You can find oodles of DOR information here.
In a nutshell, DOR states:
parents and kids have their own jobs when it comes to eating
parents are in charge of the what, when, and where at eating times.
kids are in charge of how much if at all.
Toddlers/young kids:
I had meals usually at the same time each day and offered snacks about every 90 minutes to 2 hours between.
I picked the food choices and was intentional with a combo of new as well as easy win foods. Win meaning less whine because I wanted to feel like winning sometimes. Easy win foods in my house included bread or plain spaghetti and milk. Every meal had these.
Meals almost always included a fruit. So even if the kid hated what I made as the entree, they could relax knowing they had bread, milk, and fruit to eat.
I offered a raw veggie at lunch and dinner. You already know how lousy I am at cooking so raw was easier for me anyway and it was a great low risk way for my kids to be exposed to veggies.
Hungry kids sit still at meal time. If my kids just ate (because grandparents were handing out cookies) then I didn’t expect my kids to eat anything. I didn’t make them stay at the table either.
When kids said they had enough to eat, I only asked once: are you sure you got enough to eat? I also let them know the next eating time. Ten percent of the time, they would sit back down and eat a little more. Usually, they confirmed their fullness and moved on.
If 10 minutes later they said they were still hungry, I tried really hard to not judge. I didn’t always follow through with my own advice. I tried to gently remind them of the conversation ten minutes earlier. Kids make mistakes and misjudge how much food they need. If I hadn’t put away dinner, I would let them come back to the table to eat more dinner foods. If the kitchen was already closed from dinner clean up, I would let them know when the next eating time would be. It usually was only 60 to 90 minutes away.
It is ok for young kids to learn how to cope with waiting, mild hunger, extreme fullness, and making missteps in their eating decisions. I reassured mine they will be ok; their body will help them get through until the next eating opportunity.
Tweens/teens:
COVID pandemic hit when my kids were 12 and 7 which impacted how I used DOR. Because their dad and I were working from home, we needed them to be more self-sufficient between meals. Basically, the pantry was open during daylight hours. No need to ask permission because I was getting interrupted already every 3 minutes. You know where the goldfish are. Help yourself.
When I opened up the COVID pantry, I noticed certain foods were cleared out quickly. I experimented with a new guideline: here’s your stash of Gushers. When your Gushers are gone, you will need to wait until the next grocery run. I basically did this with all the snack foods; we decided to allocate one per day guidelines for certain foods. I encourage you to experiment and be transparent that you are trying a different way so may change your mind.
Have your kids help you make the grocery list. Ask your teen what foods they’d like to see at dinners. I often asked: What do you see your friends packing in their lunches that are different? Interesting? This opens up great conversation!
As someone who doesn’t enjoy cooking, I am not the best person to ask about including them in cooking. I have been transparent that I want my kids to be able to prepare certain foods before they leave home. Decide which food dishes are important for your kids to know how to make and let them know this too.
Should I give my kid whatever they ask for at a meal time?
This common question gets this answer: that depends. I’m ok if you roll your eyes.
For my family, I didn’t want to just get up and make whatever whenever my kids wanted. If they requested something in particular and it wasn’t going to be offered, I said: That just isn’t a choice right now.
Toddlers/young kids:
You don’t need to tell them it is too sugary or they need more vegetables. They just need to know it’s not a choice right now. Less is more. When they ask WwwHHHhhhhyyyyyyyy?? (they will) you just restate: that just isn’t a choice right now. You will feel like a broken record. Reassure your child it will be a choice in the future. And be sure to offer it soon when it works for you.
Tweens/teens:
As my kids have gotten older, they request take out. When I say, “it’s not a choice right now” they love to counter “I will just order DoorDash.”
Darn kids having their own money!
Sometimes I allow it and sometimes I don’t. Here’s where you can weave in your own values with your decision. I am sticking to a food budget, want them to save their money, and aim to be environmentally sustainable more often. I explain this to my teens. They still groan and sometimes I am less patient as I like when they push back. But we are all trying and eventually the debate dies off. I will report back in a few years to see how this worked its way through the food culture.
How I manage birthday parties and celebrations away from home
I see parents struggle at birthday parties with hot dog and pizza pushing. I am not sure why yet I think we are supposed to get our kids to eat the meal (pizza or hot dogs) in order to earn dessert (cake or cupcake). I notice parents trying to get kids to stop playing in order to SIT DOWN and EAT reprimanding the kids for not wanting to eat. I observe yelling when not finishing the entree. While I appreciate some kids need to eat enough because of medications, managed because of food allergies, or food security can be a concern, I encourage you to let parties just be a food free-for-all as often as you can.
Toddlers/young kids:
Don’t worry if your child only eats bites of the meal. They will eat more later.
Don’t make your child eat all of the meal in order to be ready for the birthday cake. Only ate a bite of pizza or hot dog and they still want cake? That’s just fine.
Do you have a chatty kid like me that doesn’t have time to eat? Unless there is a medical concern, let them play and enjoy the celebration. Offer a snack after they get home.
Don’t scold your child for eating all of something EVER especially at a birthday party. Even if you are kidding, this hurts.
Does your kid want seconds? I am all for letting a kid eat as much as they want and need yet limited supply may impact your answer. Teach your kid to wait until everyone has gotten served. Give them language to ask the host for a second helping (the adult will be impressed with the manners). If the party is more buffet style, take a look around and see how much supply vs demand. Make a judgment if there is just enough for each to get one or plenty. It is ok to tell your kid they can only have one helping to be sure enough for everyone. This is a great way to teach interdependence.
Do you wonder what to do with the after party goodie bag filled with candy? I usually let them eat those on the way home or later on that day. After that day, they were usually forgotten. I would offer them the next day at snack time.
Tweens/teens:
Mostly, stay out of it when you are not the host. Side note: if you only have young kids just know when your kid is invited to a party and you can just drop them off you will experience the most magical 2 hours.
Let your kid decide how to manage their eating decisions. This is great experience! Check in after the party: did they serve you dinner? Did you get enough to eat? Offer a snack if not.
I often ask what kind of foods were around. If they were new or culturally important to the host, I discuss it and find out if my kid enjoyed it.
When we host parties at this age, I usually ask: “What foods are important for you to have at your party to make it special for you?” I can’t guarantee we will offer all of them yet I love hearing what is chosen and what is currently special.
When we host parties, I am sure to ask: “Do any of your friends have special eating concerns—food allergies or eating differences?” I am wondering about food restrictions—whether for cultural or medical reasons. I intend this dialogue to help my kids respect an individual’s food decisions even if they don’t agree.
These years classmates may be experimenting with vegetarianism or veganism too. You have a chance to get a window into the friend group’s food culture—diet talk, trends, and ethics. Listen for it and try to stay curious without judgment as much as possible. Not judging has been tough for me.
I don’t serve alcohol at my teen parties yet appreciate my teens will experience this elsewhere. Our conversations normally veer into how to navigate drugs and alcohol when talking about parties. Be ready. This could be another essay «puts in idea parking lot list».
How I manage going out to eat with kids
In my mind’s eye, I see 30-something Julie with a young child going out to dinner expecting a satisfying meal.
Don’t worry, she didn’t make this mistake often.
I love long leisurely meals especially with new food choices. Parenthood—for a season—made this inaccessible to me. Some tips:
Toddlers/young kids:
set your expectations low. Kids won’t want to wait for the normal progression at a restaurant—wait to be seated, wait to get drink order, wait to get food, wait while others are finishing, wait to get check, wait to get card back. So. Much. Waiting. While being quiet too.
Experienced parents know to bring things to meals to entertain. I loved this and this in particular for kid 1 and this for kid 2.
Order the kid’s food to come out first.
If there ever was a time for a screen, its in a restaurant. I appreciate you may not agree. Screens are survival especially for primary caregivers so please judge less. Use iPads or smartphones as needed.
Model to your child how to be kind to food service workers. Remember, we are all in this together doing the best we can at life.
Experiment with how you order the food. When they are very young, they are probably eating off your plate. As they get older, let them order what they want or from a few choices you pre-select. If you have financial flexibility, don’t worry if they don’t eat it all or much of it. Kids are experiencing the “going out” thing so it is more than just the food. If you are concerned about food waste being an issue, pick 2 or 3 things on the menu that will be great leftovers—future you will be grateful.
For tweens/teens:
I encourage you to let your kid decide what to eat and drink. If certain items are out of your price range, at least let them decide within some pre-selected choices.
Teach them how to order food at a restaurant. Whether it’s fast food or a fancy sit down place, teach your children how to be respectful to wait staff.
I told my kids none will leave home without working in food service at least for one summer. Everyone needs this experience IMO. I don’t want to raise an asshole and this is one way I am hoping to prevent asshole qualities in my kids.
How I decide what to do about school lunch
I live in a very large school district in North Carolina with both of my kids in Title 1 schools. Title 1 schools are schools where each kid can eat breakfast and lunch for free.
I love everyone gets free meals without having to submit a form or turn in a voucher. I encourage my kids to get at least one meal per week using this free service.
Why do I want them to get the free meal every week?
One less meal I need to pack. Win.
If one of my kids forgets their lunch on the kitchen counter, I don’t have to squeeze the trip over between meetings to deliver their lunch.
The more kids utilizing the free meals, the more likely the program will stay funded.
Many kids in my school’s county rely on these free meals to eat enough. I want my kids to normalize eating the school lunch so they can help de-stigmatize school provided meals.
Nothing gets people clutching their pearls like the thought of their kid eating the school provided lunch. Do you feel uncomfortable too? I am opinionated on this one so proceed with caution. Am I ok with my children eating canned fruit in heavy syrup? Hot dogs rolled in a pancake? The saturated fat. The sodium. The high fructose corn syrup.
Yes.
Here’s my reasoning:
Navigating the lunch line, choosing from the limited options, saying please and thank you while balancing a tray—all important life skills.
My county school meal services are making magic happen: feeding thousands of kids twice per day with pennies. If you are really uncomfortable with the food choices you need to know how little funding schools get to feed our kids. Don’t criticize the food workers for the choices, criticize the politics. Put up or shut up. Harsh I know. But if you want change then get better funding for school meals, pay school food service workers a living wage ($12/hour where I live which is less than $25K/year before taxes). Use your privilege. Make noise or it will never change.
Health outcomes form from collective systems more than individual behaviors. The more our fellow humans suffer from oppressive systems, the less impact nutrition makes on collective health. This is where interdependence comes in. You know the saying “a rising tide lifts all ships?” We all need to improve access to enough food and a variety of food in order to improve health outcomes. Supporting school food service however you can will help improve your community’s health.
My toddler/young child lunch packing guidelines:
Each lunch included a carb, protein, fruit and/or veggie, shelf stable milk or sometimes juice, and a dessert. Serving sizes varied. Not all were eaten. Offering a food even if not eaten helps kids normalize food variety.
Every few weeks I would circle around to ask: “Am I packing enough food at lunch for you?” Eating enough is always the priority. Sometimes we would discuss foods they were bored with and new ones to try.
I started each school year with a personalized version of this note. I followed up at school conferences to be sure not pressuring my kid to finish their lunch or eat in a certain order. I intervened when my kids reported on their teacher or lunch helper not following my note.
My tween/teen lunch packing guidelines:
I don’t pack the note anymore—I am grateful my kids advocate well—but intervene as necessary. I found by middle school, school lunches are less policed so it hasn’t been an issue.
I tend to include the same core groups—carb, protein, fruit and/or veggie, shelf stable milk or sometimes juice, and a dessert. The portions are bigger of course. I also started adding «gasp» a mini soda can sometimes. If curious, the soda is Dr. Pepper.
I ask more frequently at this age to be sure I packed enough food. Puberty is exhausting with high metabolic need. I want to be sure they consistently have access to enough food.
So far my kids still want me to pack their lunches. I don’t mind packing lunch so much now and it is the only time I feel Betty Crocker-ish. You may find your kid wanting to pack their own around this time—experiment with different ways. I would love to know how this works for you!
Next up—how to talk about bodies and home set up
So there you have it. I will share part 2 soon with how I talk about bodies as well as how I intentionally set up parts of my home to promote an anti-diet home culture.
Did you get something out of this essay? Any likes, comments, or shares helps me grow this space. Please spread the love and share your tips to building an anti-diet culture home in comments.
And thank you for adding your food voice to the movement away from diets.
Julie!!!! This was amazing, thank you :)
Saving this!!! Thank you! Very much creating a diet culture-free home and actively focusing on my language and the way we talk about food with my 3.5-year-old.